Love the Chosen People

What’s the opposite of an anti-semite? I know it’s not a semite, that’s not right. Judophile? Sounds like a martial arts enthusiast.

I spent most of Monday sneezing and sniffling and I thought is was because of cat dander in my friend’s apartment. He has 1 awesome cat and 1 pretty okay one and they run about smacking each other in the face knocking the fur off one another. As it turns out I was actually coming down with a nasty cold that seems to have finally reached its apex.

I woke up this morning with my sinuses stuffed like a turkey… or Lindsay Lohan at Coachella. My throat was as sore as… Lindsay Lohan at Coachella.

I’m usually much better at turning a phrase but the wit seems to stop flowing when I’m sick and grumpy. I took the day off work to get huddled up in a sweaty ball on my couch. Wrapped tightly in pyjamas and blankets I got some soup, crackers and cold medicine and decided to use this time to catch up on Girls the hit HBO series everyone’s been gaga over.

The show is not bad. Mostly it just makes me hate myself for having a penis but more than anything it has stimulated a new round of self reflection. The show has made me ask myself some questions about why I act the way I act and why I like certain things more than others.

I feel like I’m not making any sense but I also feel way too drowsy to revise so hopefully this medicated stupor is charming.

I wish I could teleport to Tim Horton’s for some tea and timbits. I have been making tea but I don’t have any sugar in the house so my tea is bitter and sad and my timbits are still at the store and that’s way to far for me to venture out right now.

On the show there are 4 main female characters all of whom, in typical HBO fashion, bandy about in various stages of undress. Each one represents a different personality “type” and unsurprisingly the one I like best is the sweet one. She also happens to be the only character on the show who is explicitly identified as Jewish. At one point one of the characters goes as far as to call her a JAP.

It started me thinking if there was something about me that is intrinsically attracted to ladies of the Jewish persuasion. The following is a list of all my celebrity crushes:

  1. Alison Brie
  2. Anna Kendrick
  3. Lizzy Caplan
  4. Jenny Slate
  5. Amy Schumer
  6. Lea Michele
  7. Emma Stone

With the exception of Emma Stone, a redhead my attraction for whom I’m sure stems from deep seeded Batgirl issues, they are all (at least part) Jewish.

I know I have an ingrained hate for Nazis that comes from video games and Indiana Jones but could that, in some way, be linked to this apparent fascination with the Children of Israel?

I want cake right now. Cake would be inFUCKINGcredible! Like the kind that has two layers of moist fluffy cake separated by thick frosting. And I want it to have flowers made of icing on it.

How much does a sheet cake from the grocery store usually cost? It can’t be more than 20-25 bucks right? I can make them write anything I want on it too. Like usually people just ask for Happy Birthday or Happy Anniversary or some shit like that. The last time I had a birthday cake it said “That’s what she said!” so by that logic I can get the baker to write “Josh, you are an okay kind of guy. Don’t let any thing bring ya down little buddy. Just take a big ol’ guilt free bite outta me and enjoy! Enjoy the delicious cake that you so deserve because you really really deserve it buddy!”

I don’t know if I want chocolate or vanilla but I do know that my cake would probably be Kosher.

What does that say about me?

I really don’t feel well at all right now. There have been about four dozen red squiggle lines that have popped up while I was writing this post and I’m hopping that the spellchecker will fix them all before I post this and it makes me look like a dummy who can’t spell.

I really feel like this entry should have ended a long time ago and all my common sense and even some of the uncommon sort is SCREAMING AT ME to just shut the fuck up but I can’t stop myself.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

I’M TRIPPING OUT ON COUGH SYRUP AND OBSESSING OVER CAKE!!!

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Fulfill the Apparent Obligation

I’m blogging right now because I feel like I should.

It’s an odd feeling. Usually I’ve got something I want to make a comment on, or something that I need to get off my chest. Right now I feel so tired and unmotivated but I’m forcing myself to be productive rather than just laze about on my couch playing Pokémon and listening to podcasts.

It’s not that I don’t have anything interesting to write about, this past week has been chock full of stimulating events! I guess that I just feel a lot happier than I have in a long time.

I find that more often than not I write as a sort of cathartic exercise, the whole point of this blog was to be therapeutic but I’ve just been in such a good mood that I haven’t felt the need to unload like I usually do.

What a tragedy it would be to be happy. If it turns out that being gloomy is my only inspiration for writing (what not an insignificant number of people have called) a good blog that would be pretty ironic.

In the end my pessimistic nature wins out and I just sit here waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s like so much has been going well that I’m expecting the world to throw me a curve ball and fuck me over.

So what’s this lucky streak I’ve been going on?

If you listen to my podcast you’ve probably heard that my bromantic partner Jaron, is most likely moving back to Toronto. I’m so excited. This guy is just so fun to be around and as much as I’ve enjoyed our Long Distance Bromance, I’ve missed being able to hang out.

Also for those of you too cool to keep up with these types of things, over the last 6 weeks or so Youtube, in conjunction with NeatherRealm Studios, has been hosting a tournament to promote the new video game Injustice: Gods Among Us. They took the top 16 greatest heroes and villains of the DC Universe and pit them against one another in a grand battle royale to determine, once and for all, who is the greatest.

One by one the lesser heroes fell by the wayside until only two remained. The final match up was between Batman and Superman. It’s no secret who I was rooting for.

batgod

And on the seventh day he rested… on his awesome Bat Throne

I’m embarrassed to admit how important the outcome to this fight was. I had a lot riding on it emotionally and I don’t know how I would’ve reacted if Batman had lost and I was forced to soak up all the smug “I told you so’s” of the Super Fan Club. Fortunately The Dark Knight proved himself the superior combatant and now the world will have no choice but to agree with me.

My sister’s recent health scare is still an area of concern, but she’s been adjusting well and so far has been maintaining a positive attitude. She frequently updates me on how good her levels are and it makes me smile.

And finally the biggest and most exciting news of all. Things have been progressing very well with my new girlfriend. She’s just so amazing and I enjoy every moment I’m lucky enough to spend with her. Very rarely do I connect with a person so immediately and on so many levels. She’s way smarter and funnier than me and so goddamned pretty that I sometimes have to look at her through the cracks between my fingers because I’m using my hands to cover my blushing face. She’s just so super cute and literally makes me explode with happiness!

7817

ATTN: Grammar Nazis
I’m not using it incorrectly!

I guess the only thing that bothers me right now is how incomplete this recent happiness feels. Like it’s tainted by some lingering shadow.

I’ve been clinically depressed for a long time now and in my head I know that having a good week where everything, even the weather, is perfect doesn’t mean I’m cured. I can’t help but feel suspicious of this happiness. I’ve trained myself to deal with the worst and so I feel like my defenses are always up on high alert, like if I brace myself for something to go wrong then it won’t hurt so much because I was prepared for it.

I feel that it’s not possible to be truly relaxed if part of me is on high alert.

I’m still looking forward to the day when I can finally be fully, comfortably at peace.

But maybe that’s an unrealistic goal.

Examine the Recent Events

The human body is so damn weird. It was 11:07 this morning and I was splayed out on my couch, wrapped in blankets, sniffling and sneezy just feeling sick and sorry for myself. I wanted juice and even though my fridge was only 1 and a half Chewbaccas away, I didn’t have the strength to do anything but lay there.

Then, in what felt like the blink of an eye, it was 4:45 in the afternoon and although my face and my landmine shaped pillow were coated in dried up drool, I felt 100% better.

It didn’t feel like I had fallen asleep and woke up hours later. It felt like I had jumped forward in time and drank The Potion of Cure Disease. So since most of the day was wasted crumpled up in a drooly, unconscious mess, I wanted to take some time for blogging since so damn much has happened in such a short time.

I don’t even know where to begin. I’m a bit hopped up on cold medicine and am pretty delirious so you’ll have to forgive how inelegantly I tell this story. I’ll probably jump around back and forth chronologically like a Tarantino movie so if none of this makes sense just read it again with the director’s commentary turned on.

I have a new girlfriend! It’s official now. We’ve been dating for the last 4 weeks but apparently in this 21st Century world it’s not until your Facebook relationship status changes that you’re a couple.

pofbaleeted

So long and thanks for all the fish!

As exciting a development as this is, I’ll have to come back to it later as it’s only the tip of the Iceberg of Drama that’s torn a huge hole in my hull.

We just found out that my little sister has diabetes. It came as such a shock to me. I rushed to the hospital at around midnight on Thursday. My mom and stepdad stayed until about 1:45 but had to leave because they’re in the process of selling their home and had to prepare for the open house the next morning. So it was just me and her for almost 20 hours.

It was all so overwhelming. When I first got the call that she was in the emergency room, I put my phone down and started getting dressed and packed an overnight bag. I wanted to get down as quickly as possible so I decided to call a cab to take me to Brampton but in my frazzled, scatterbrained state I had no idea where i had left my phone! I searched all over, tearing the place apart. I looked through the trash, in every pocket of every pair of pants I own, it’s not like there’s a lot of room my apartment is only 9 square Chewbaccas (540 square feet) and I couldn’t find it ANYWHERE. What’s worse is that since I was born after 1980, I don’t have a landline so I couldn’t just call my phone to find it.

I was freaking out, on the verge of a panic attack. The towel I had packed was not helping! I needed to get out of there right away and every second that I wasn’t on my way to the hospital was agonizing. I opened my laptop and went onto Facebook hoping to find someone who was online who could call my phone.

In some misguided attempt at counterculture, I long ago made the conscious decision to always have fewer than 50 “friends” on Facebook. I delete people the way a topiarist trims hedges and so with so few people on my list the chances of finding someone online at midnight on a Thursday were slim.

There was one

She saved the day that night.

A redheaded angel, not even really a close friend of mine, a friend of a friend really, just someone who I’ve hung out with at parties and probably thinks I’m a crazy weirdo, without her intervention I probably would’ve had a nervous breakdown.

I hastily explained the situation over Facebook Chat and had her call my phone so I could locate it. I felt like such an idiot when I found it inside my coat pocket still hanging in my closet.

When I got to the hospital they explained the situation. There’s a scale for measuring blood sugar levels that I don’t quite yet understand. They tell me that normal levels are between 4-8.

My sister’s was 42.

42__by_neomoose

Don’t Panic, MY ASS!!!

The answer to life the universe and everything was also the number that had put her life at risk.

My favorite person in the world.

Her life in danger because of fucking sugar!

Every two hours the nurses would test her blood and give her more insulin but it’s as if her pancreas went on strike and after 20 hours the lowest it would go was 14.

photo(10)

She couldn’t sleep so as a bedtime story I explained, in painstaking detail, the plot of Back to the Future I, II and III

When morning came we had to attend a diabetes education seminar. They explained what was happening and what effects the different treatments would have. Even after being awake for over 30 hours I had to force myself to focus and commit every tiny detail to memory. I was essentially playing the parent role in all this. The doctors taught me how to test her blood and give her insulin. We met with a dietician who explained that there was going to have to be a complete lifestyle change.

So after finally getting out of the hospital, with a nasty cold brought about by all the germs floating around and my inconsistent use of the complimentary hand sanitizer, I took her to pick up her prescriptions and we went grocery shopping.

I taught her about meal planning and how versatile you can be with vegetables. Since she’s allowed to eat as many vegetables as she wants and since she’s lucky enough to be related to an expert in vegetarian cuisine, she’s in for a real treat when I start teaching her some of my signature recipes.

It was an exhausting couple of days and I’m only now just recovering. I went out on a lovely date on Saturday afternoon that really helped calm me down and just injected me with a bit of much needed happiness. I’ll have to write a whole separate blog about it because it was truly one of the best days I’ve had in a long time and if I start writing about it now I could go on for hours.

Today I caught up on a lot of missed sleep and sought comfort in the tried and true. Most people turn to Church in a crisis. Instead I treated myself to a Star Wars marathon. I’ve seen it so many times that my mind doesn’t get occupied following the plot, it’s just soothing familiar background noise and it lets me reflect on the events of the past few days.

I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety for a long time now and I know that I’ve been improving gradually.

I have to say, even if nobody else will, that I’m proud of how I handled this whole situation. I don’t know that I could have done it a year or even 6 or 3 months ago.

Now we just have to see what happens next.

Cross The New Frontier

In 2003 Darwyn Cooke wrote and illustrated a 6 issue limited series called DC: The New Frontier. I submit that my opinion is obviously biased but that shouldn’t stop you from believing me when I say this story is AMAZING!

dcnf

There are only 2 types of people in the world. Those who (if they don’t love it, can at least) appreciate The New Frontier and those who haven’t read it yet,

It was a piece of revisionist history, mixing real world events into the lore of classic Silver Age comics. For people who laugh when I say that comic books are legitimate forms of both art and literature I urge you to get your hands on a copy as soon as possible. It tackles issues like McCarthyism and the HUAC hearings, the burgeoning civil rights movement, the atomic scare and conscientious objectors to the Korean War all while throwing Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, and The Flash into the mix. It was re-released as a two volume graphic novel both of which I owned.

My copy of the first volume was lost when in June of 2012 my whole life was upended, packed into a collection of boxes and I was forced to begin a whole new chapter in the story of Josh.

It’s one of my favorite pieces but I’ve avoided going out and buying a replacement for reasons I can’t really explain. I’ve wanted to revisit the story and reunite with these characters for a long time now but I’ve felt almost unworthy. Mentally and emotionally I’ve been in such a fractured state to the point where some twisted, irrational logic tells me that my comic book collection isn’t allowed to be complete until I’ve rebuilt myself into a more complete person again.

So for months now I’ve looked at my copy of DC: The New Frontier vol. 2 with a sort of sense of longing. Like I’m saying to myself: One day! One day I’ll feel good enough about myself to go out and pick up a copy of vol 1. Then I can just enjoy the simple pleasure of sitting back with bowl of popcorn, maybe a tall frosty glass of apple cider, some light ambient music and a pair of my favourite books of all time.

photo(9)

My Preciousssssssss…

Right now I don’t think I’m anywhere near that level of self-confidence but I will admit that I’ve worked hard and made some progress.

Every week I look at what titles have been added to HBO and TMN onDemand. Today I came home from work and was pleased to see that the DCAU version, aptly titled Justice League: The New Frontier was added and for a solid 5 minutes I sat here trying to decide whether or not I should watch the animated film adaptation.

In the end I did. It was great. Not nearly as good as the book but as good as you could hope for when turning a 400+ page story into a 75 minute film. I felt good about myself. Watching this movie felt well deserved and more importantly it’s made me that much more motivated to continue along the path of self improvement.

It’s been slow going but I’m hoping I’ll soon be able to get back on track and be able to take pleasure in the simple joys of life again.

P.S. As a self indulgent and smart-assed side note, I am normally only able to keep my open disdain towards Superman barely in check.

So, to all the fans of the Blue Boyscout out there, one of the reason’s why New Frontier is so damn good is because it is yet another in a long line of masterfully crafted DC stories that shows us how much cooler the Justice League is without Superman. His goofy ass is taken down early and Bruce, Diana, Barry and Hal are left to pick up the pieces and show the world how the real heroes do it.

What we have here is a failure to communicate!

Man of Tomorrow? Who needs ‘im?

Disturb the Sleeping Giant

Thanks to an unfortunate, yet serendipitous, typo I’ve started using a new internet acronym that I’d like to share with you all.

WYF!

It stands for “What ye fucke!” the olde timey way of voicing one’s displeasure without spelling out full words and still retaining a bit of quaint ol’ fashioned charm.

Right now it’s the only invective that adequately expresses how I feel about the newest trailer for World War Z.

Brad Pitt...Go Fuck Yourself!

Brad Pitt…
Go Fuck Yourself!

What ye fucke, indeed?

In order to give everyone a bit of context, and I’m sure it will become clear in the coming paragraphs, I am obviously deeply disturbed when it comes to my love for this book. World War Z is my 100% absolute favourite book EVER!

This movie, on the other hand…

On the short list of things that I don’t joke about, one of the very few topics I consider out of bounds, or taboo is Cancer. My aunt died of brain cancer when I was a teenager. She was one of my favourite people in the world. Her passing is still among the worst days of my life. I don’t take it lightly.

That being said, this movie looks like the cinematic equivalent of infant bone cancer. They could’ve called it Osteosarcoma and it would have been a more appropriate title.

That’s how much I love this book and how bad this trailer made me feel.

Ridiculous hyperbole aside, people who are unfamiliar with the book often ask me “What’s it about?” and I have never been able to answer that question in less than 45 minutes. Lots of folks will try to deconstruct it and say dumb things like “It’s about zombies!” and to them I say, after a chastising (but affectionate) backhand to the face “That’s like saying The Bible is about a bunch of shepherds!”

Cmdr. Shepard Systems Alliance N7 Special ForcesFirst Human Spectre for the Citidel Council, Messiah

Cmdr. Shepard, Systems Alliance Space Navy: N7 Special Forces,
Citadel Council’s First Human Spectre,
Carpenter and Messiah.

I went on a crazy rant about it on this week’s Long Distance Bromance so I’ll try to reign in the ire on this blog. The less I talk about it the better, because so far it’s just been a source of grief and it get’s me irrationally angry the more I think about it. Over the past few months I’ve been making a concentrated effort to feel better about myself and life in general so I won’t say any more on this sore subject. You’ve got to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative,

So instead of the anti-Brad Pitt tirade that will make me seem even crazier, I want to take some time to write about something positive.

I went on a date Thursday. It was the second time I went out with this girl. She’s super cute and super cool and I’m eagerly awaiting the opportunity to see her again. In addition to being very pretty she’s a great conversationalist and funny too. The plan was to meet for a quick bite to eat, she was taking me to sample some of Kensington Market’s finest vegan desserts. We ended up staying for hours just talking and laughing until the guy behind the counter’s dirty looks forced us to stop loitering long after we had finished.

Not wanting the fun to end we wound up wandering around aimlessly taking in the mild weather and sporadic sunshine just enjoying one another’s company. At one point during our walk we found a pair of discarded books just laid out on the ground. We each took one, sort of as a souvenir.

photo(8)

“I’ve often felt like a discarded book… waiting for someone to take the time to stop and pick me up off the floor.”
-Unknown Hipster Poet

We wrapped up the evening back at my apartment where we got a little snuggly on my couch and tried to outmatch each other while watching Jeopardy!

Sounds like a dream girl, amiright?

Most people will probably take for granted the normalcy of this kind of interaction and are probably asking themselves, “So what? Big Deal!”

The big deal is that I’m notoriously misanthropic. I don’t get along with very many people and the times when I actually DO find people I like, they, for whatever reason, don’t seem to like me. To find someone who piques my interest AND who can tolerate me is amazing.

Again, I feel like I’m flogging a dead horse with all the podcast plugs but I tell some crazy online dating horror stories on the newest LDB. I wasn’t having the best luck and was feeling discouraged but one of my favorite bloggers has been a source of inspiration with her recent positive experiences in the world of internet dating. Read her blog, she’s insightful and snarky!

At this point I’m not expecting too much. I’m happy just getting to know this girl and am looking forward to spending more time together. Where it goes nobody knows, but what I do know is that I’ve been on 2 dates with this girl and I’ve enjoyed every second. We’ll all just have to stay tuned to see what happens next.