Love the Chosen People

What’s the opposite of an anti-semite? I know it’s not a semite, that’s not right. Judophile? Sounds like a martial arts enthusiast.

I spent most of Monday sneezing and sniffling and I thought is was because of cat dander in my friend’s apartment. He has 1 awesome cat and 1 pretty okay one and they run about smacking each other in the face knocking the fur off one another. As it turns out I was actually coming down with a nasty cold that seems to have finally reached its apex.

I woke up this morning with my sinuses stuffed like a turkey… or Lindsay Lohan at Coachella. My throat was as sore as… Lindsay Lohan at Coachella.

I’m usually much better at turning a phrase but the wit seems to stop flowing when I’m sick and grumpy. I took the day off work to get huddled up in a sweaty ball on my couch. Wrapped tightly in pyjamas and blankets I got some soup, crackers and cold medicine and decided to use this time to catch up on Girls the hit HBO series everyone’s been gaga over.

The show is not bad. Mostly it just makes me hate myself for having a penis but more than anything it has stimulated a new round of self reflection. The show has made me ask myself some questions about why I act the way I act and why I like certain things more than others.

I feel like I’m not making any sense but I also feel way too drowsy to revise so hopefully this medicated stupor is charming.

I wish I could teleport to Tim Horton’s for some tea and timbits. I have been making tea but I don’t have any sugar in the house so my tea is bitter and sad and my timbits are still at the store and that’s way to far for me to venture out right now.

On the show there are 4 main female characters all of whom, in typical HBO fashion, bandy about in various stages of undress. Each one represents a different personality “type” and unsurprisingly the one I like best is the sweet one. She also happens to be the only character on the show who is explicitly identified as Jewish. At one point one of the characters goes as far as to call her a JAP.

It started me thinking if there was something about me that is intrinsically attracted to ladies of the Jewish persuasion. The following is a list of all my celebrity crushes:

  1. Alison Brie
  2. Anna Kendrick
  3. Lizzy Caplan
  4. Jenny Slate
  5. Amy Schumer
  6. Lea Michele
  7. Emma Stone

With the exception of Emma Stone, a redhead my attraction for whom I’m sure stems from deep seeded Batgirl issues, they are all (at least part) Jewish.

I know I have an ingrained hate for Nazis that comes from video games and Indiana Jones but could that, in some way, be linked to this apparent fascination with the Children of Israel?

I want cake right now. Cake would be inFUCKINGcredible! Like the kind that has two layers of moist fluffy cake separated by thick frosting. And I want it to have flowers made of icing on it.

How much does a sheet cake from the grocery store usually cost? It can’t be more than 20-25 bucks right? I can make them write anything I want on it too. Like usually people just ask for Happy Birthday or Happy Anniversary or some shit like that. The last time I had a birthday cake it said “That’s what she said!” so by that logic I can get the baker to write “Josh, you are an okay kind of guy. Don’t let any thing bring ya down little buddy. Just take a big ol’ guilt free bite outta me and enjoy! Enjoy the delicious cake that you so deserve because you really really deserve it buddy!”

I don’t know if I want chocolate or vanilla but I do know that my cake would probably be Kosher.

What does that say about me?

I really don’t feel well at all right now. There have been about four dozen red squiggle lines that have popped up while I was writing this post and I’m hopping that the spellchecker will fix them all before I post this and it makes me look like a dummy who can’t spell.

I really feel like this entry should have ended a long time ago and all my common sense and even some of the uncommon sort is SCREAMING AT ME to just shut the fuck up but I can’t stop myself.




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