If you’re at work, or on the bus or for whatever reason you’re just not in a position to play that Youtube video then let me offer a bit of explanation. My eagerness to view myself as a fictional character caused me to almost type exposition rather than explanation. Yup, it’s gonna be one of those entries.
Chock full of crazy.
The song in that video is Sweetheart by the enigmatically named, British songsmith Jont. I first heard this song almost ten years ago. I was 18, I was in love with the cutest little teenaged lady and I had the four best, most tightly knit, friends in the world. I was working in a movie theatre and this song played over the end credits of what was, at the time, my favourite movie: Wedding Crashers.
Everyday, for what must have been 4 or 5 months, I’d go into the auditorium after the show had ended, I’d sweep up spilled popcorn, collect trash in bags and hear this song. At the end of the first day I had the lyrics memorized. They’d do 3 or 4 screenings during my 8 hour shifts, so I must’ve heard this song at least 300 times.
I stumbled upon this song today almost by accident. Youtube’s suggested videos section is a dangerous rabbit hole and if you’re not careful it can take you places you may not want to go.
I immediately remembered the song and I felt like no time had passed since I first heard it. It took me a moment to remember just how long ago that was. It wasn’t long before it got me thinking how different my life was back then.
The girl? Gone, predictably, like nearly everyone’s highschool sweetheat.
Those friends of mine? Haven’t spoken to them in over 7 years. Our friendship ended rather contentiously. When you have an argument amongst friends it’s not uncommon for people to choose sides. It takes a special kind of jackass to take a group of 5 guys and split them up 4 against 1.
The job at the movie theatre? Let me tell you how much I wish I could still be there. There are few things, and absolutely no people, in this world that I love more than I love movies. If I had any self esteem, if I believed in myself even just a little bit, I’d probably be making them. I love movies so much that up until 3 years ago I intentionally lived, straddling the poverty line, because I had my dream job as the Assistant Manager for a fucking Blockbuster Video and never wanted anything more for myself.
I didn’t get my boring “grown up” job working in finance until Blockbuster went bankrupt and just about every single video store in Canada shut its door for good.
Looking back, it’s not like I had a whole hell of a lot going for me. So why is it that I felt so happy then, and I’m just so physiologically incapable of feeling any happiness now?
What the hell is wrong with me? Where’s my quantum of solace? [eh, eh? See what I did there?;) ]
I’ve been listening to this song on repeat for nearly an hour and a half now trying to Christopher Reeve myself back in time.
So far it isn’t working.
I just realized… I’ve recently been making my way through all 23 official Eon James Bond movies. My Quantum of Solace joke makes no sense without that context.
Goddammit I have gone insane.
I guess the best course would be to just embrace it.
One thing I do have over the 18 year old version of myself… I don’t think of Wedding Crashers as my favourite movie anymore.
I guess that’s something.