Witches Be Cray-Zay!


Kyle is THE hollywood bigshot!!

Not only did he creep all over Alison “hands-off-jerks-she’s-mine!” Brie that one time, but he also just got back from the set of The Witch, a real Hollywood Movie starring Ralph Ineson and Kate Dickie of breastfeeding Game of Thrones fame!

Listen as he gives us the inside scoop on all the behind the scenes goings on.







Verbs, Adjectives and Nouns:

Witchy Woman
Spanish Flea
Collateral Damage
Kate Dickie
Ralph Einson
9 1\2 Weeks
Black Flies
Chinese Girls Taste Different
Evil Dead
Jane Levy
Sexy Dirty
Zordon is Racist
Freddy Got Fingered moose carcass
Majora’s Mask
Rat Tail
Stone of Destiny
Amazing Spider-Man 2
Ultimate Warrior
Draft Day
Catherine Reitman



Betcha Forgot: Musi-bation


Kyle wants to talk about music… Josh keeps trying to steer the conversation towards “jackin’ off”.

An epic struggle.

Apologies for the inconsistent audio quality. The middle third sounds better than anything we’ve recorded, but the beginning and end sound like we’re in a cave… underwater.

Memory Lane:

Beat the Geeks
Rock & Roll Jeopardy
Burgess Meredith
Taylor Dane
Pitch Perfect No Diggity
MAGIC! – Rude
Ashley MacIsaac
Great Big Sea
Joy in Small Places
Lady Marmalade
Memoirs of an Invisible Man
Scrambled porn
I Hear You Calling
Sam Roberts
Bedouin Soundclash
Dean Blundell
Sault Ste Marie
Joy Drop
Trebler Charger
Sum 41
Smirnoff Ice
Joan Osbourne
On a Day Like Today
David Copperfield
The Fugees
Josie and the Pussycats
Butt Selfies
Six Flags Ads
S Club Party
Agent Cody Banks 2
Sex and the City
Shiri Appleby
Backroom Casting Couch
Beautiful Agony

Eat the Giant Cock


I watch a lot of television. Well, to be fair, I use my laptop to watch a lot of TV shows.

I bought every season of It’s Always Sunny on iTunes.

I watched all of The League on Netflix.

Recently I illegally downloaded The Americans which is something I never do.

I like to pay for my entertainment. I know many people who work in the entertainment industry and it makes me feel guilty to steal movies and TV shows.

I felt so guilty about stealing from Keri Russell that I turned off the computer and started watching some actual TV.

I feel like subjecting myself to watching the commercials is my way of paying my way.

Rogers is currently offering a free preview of FXX and I caught an episode of The League on TV for the first time.

Right before it started the gravelly voiced announcer warned us about the content and finished by saying “Viewer Discretion Advised”.

I stopped to think about that warning.

What the fuck does it mean?

Based on the definition above that warning makes no fucking sense.

What they SHOULD say is Content Creator’s discretion is tempered by advertiser’s openmindedness or lack thereof.

My understanding of television standards maybe be incomplete and I’m probably talking out of my ass BUT I PAID FOR THIS URL. I OWN THIS PEICE OF INTERNET REAL ESTATE AND I’LL USE IT TO GET UP ON A SOAPBOX AND MAKE WILD, UNINFORMED, PROCLAMATIONS!!!

Cable networks like AMC and FX operate outside of the control of the FCC. They use that freedom to let Ruxin call Taco a “shit sipper”, to let Dennis and Mac call Dee’s boyfriend “retarded” and to let me see Keri Russell’s bare ass and some Russian broad’s “underboob”.

They have freedom to say the swears that delight me so.

But they ask for MY discretion?

My understanding is that they can drop F-Bombs and show some real tits and dicks but the reason they don’t go full Showtime and HBO is because they think advertisers will pull out if the show is to risqué.

Dis some bullshit!

Remember that episode of Breaking Bad?


Skylar White’s last line in that episode is “I Fucked Ted” and it’s so goddamed impactful.

I watched that episode on Netflix.

No censorship.

I can’t IMAGINE watching on TV and having an ADR with poor syncing, change the line to something lame like “hump” or “screw” or even worse a god dammed fucking BLEEP.

We need more dirt on TV.

The characters need to talk like real people.

I want to see GIANT COCKS on NBC.

I want to see an episode of Friends With Better Lives where some lady tells her fella that she won’t blow him until he gets rid of his bush.

I wanna see that episode!

James Van Der Beek needs to get his balls waxed.

That show would break all kinds of records!!!

He gets some tiny Asian lady to wax his taint.


They show it all.

In motherfucking HD, yo!

They show her spreading that wax on Dawson’s browneye and YANKING IT OFF!

I wanna hear him shout as she pulls off that first strip.

He lets out a loud, “MOTHERFUCKER!!!”.

That’s my vision for the future of broadcasting.

The FCC is just a bunch of fucking buzzkills.

They should all go suck a giant cock…

and fucking finally let me see Keri Goddammed Russell’s tits for once.


Spank the L’il Monkey

Recently I’ve become more candid with what I choose to discuss with friends and strangers.

I literally don’t give a fuck!

If you think any topic is “off limits” I don’t want to talk to you.

When I sit down with a group of people I’ll flat out ask what kind of porn (if any) you like to jack off to.

I recently engaged in a THREE HOUR recording session with Kyle.

With careful editing we can maybe turn it into an episode of Betcha Forgot and maybe just a random VTAN Podcast about deflowering young ladies back in our highschool days.

More than likely the majority of our conversation will be lost in my personal archives and never released to the public.

It bothers me because while I have no problem discussing sex very frankly, I don’t want to drag other people into uncomfortable territory.

Since I can’t make a podcast without someone else to talk to, I guess it’ll have to be an ol’ fashioned blog post.

No fancy audio.

So, why title the entry with a euphemism for masturbating?

I’m currently in a period of self imposed celibacy.

For those of you who know me, I don’t have to tell you how I was drownin’ in da pussy for all of 2012-2013.

I look back and remember it like a montage in a sex comedy.

I’m fucking crazy. It’s not an exaggeration to say that I’m fucked up on the head.

I’m not fit to be dated by anyone.

I should be nobody’s partner.

Add to that, I take medication that supposedly makes me less crazy. It also negatively affects my libido.

When I started my “Year Without Poon” back in December I thought it would be hard (pun intended).

Recently I’ve discovered that I have lost all interest in women.

I know that sounds like I’m “comin’ out”, but I assure you, my heterosexuality is locked firmly in place. I can’t help it, I was born this way.

I just don’t want to date anyone.

Over the last few months I’ve discovered that I’m not even interested in jackin’ off.

I have almost zero sexual desire.

I’m interested in learning about the masturbatory habits of other’s just because I want to compare them to my own. You always want to see if you’re “normal” based on the standards of others.

So if I walk up to you , or even just message you online and ask “How often do you masturbate? Do you use porn? What kind?”

Don’t be alarmed. More people should be open about it.

It’s not the type of thing to be ashamed of.

Stay tuned.

Depending on how the audio is edited you may or may not hear more about me and Kyle and our sick and deviant behaviour.

We’ll see.

Betcha Forgot 6: Vidja Gayums


Kyle is back and even though he’s just itching to tell us stories from being on the set of a real Hollywood movie, NDA issues have put the kibosh on that… for now.

Instead, we bring you another edition of Betcha Forgot. Kyle, being the idea guy that he is has convinced me to include a list of links to the stuff we discuss.

Check it out below.

Memory Lane:

Road Rash
Edge of Tomorrow
Army Men
Stunt Racer FX
Virtua Fighter
Jet Grind Radio
Secret of Evermore
Chrono Trigger
Final Fantasy
Super Metroid
Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
Super Mario World
Mario Kart
Goldeneye 64
Jean Reno in Onimusha 3
Everything or Nothing documentary
Everything or Nothing game
Mass Effect
Lego Batman 2
Heavy Rain
Game of Thrones Character Names
Lucky and Wild
Simpsons Arcade Game
Lethal Enforcers
Ignition Factor
Adventures of Lo Lo
Bad Dudes
Cool Spot
Yo! Noid
Fido Dido
Time Crisis
Streets of Rage
Sega Master System
WWF Wrestlemania
WWF Wrestlemania Challenge
Nintendo Wrestling
Nega Ninja
Blades of Steel
Hit the Ice
NFL Blitz
NFL Hitz
Kid Chameleon