Doo doot, Doo DOOT!

On today’s VTAN, Kyle and Callie talk about how life has changed one month since their wedding then discuss ideas for their upcoming marriage/movie review podcast. Josh tells us a little something about his 30 Day Vegan Healthy Living Challenge and posits the question: Do YOU know the name of that song that goes “Doo doot, Doo DOOT. Doo doot, Doo

 

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April Fool’s (Wedding) Day!

Kyle and Callie got married.

Josh watched.

Now, a week later the three of them talk about everything that went into planning and executing the greatest wedding of all time.

(P.S. A nasty cold has been going around and Callie’s mic cable kept falling out, so please excuse all the coughs, sniffles and intermittent fuzzy audio)

subscribe on iTunes

Screwy Guy Pod

It’s finally here!

Suicide-SquadNope, we’re not just talkin’ about Suicide Squad, we’re talkin’ about VTAN!

A new episode of the podcast is also FINALLY here and we’re giving our thoughts on DC’s latest.

Did we love it? Hate it?

Find out on today’s episode of the VTAN Podcast!

 

Deadpool 2: The Future

The VTAN boys are back and they’re ready to finally talk about Deadpool.

Did they love it?
Spoiler Alarm: Yes, but they have plenty of salty things to say about it.

Stay tuned ’til the very end to hear Josh’s crazy ideas for Deadpool 2

VTAN Rewind: Top 5 Movies of 2014

Today is Oscar Night! The “best” movies and actors will be announced, but here at VTAN we like to throw around our own movie awards.

We know you LOVED our Top 5 of 2015, so in the spirit of nostalgia here’s a re-release of last year’s Top 5 episode. It’s presented here as it was, in it’s original form, unedited, not like George Lucas’s bullshit Special Editions!

It makes an excellent companion piece with this year’s Top 5 Episode

Top 5 Movies of 2015

Hoe.

Lee.

Fuck!

It has been FAR too long since the last episode and EVEN LONGER since we recorded what you’re about to hear. This was recorded about 2 weeks after new year’s when (as is VTAN Tradition) Kyle and I counted down our 2nd Annual Top 5 Favourite Movies of the Year List!

If you’re feeling sentimental you can check out what we had to say about last year’s movies here.

Did our picks match yours? Was there a really great movie that we somehow missed?

Am I crazy for thinking 50 Shades of Grey is the funniest movie of the year?

Listen and find out!

Star Wars Review-cast

 

Kyle and Josh recorded a review of Star Wars: The Force Awakens shortly after the New Year, but we decided on holding off on the release until everyone had a chance to watch it.

Of course Josh thinks that it was a perfect, flawless, piece of imaginative film making and Kyle is just a jerk determined  to find fault in anything that makes Josh feel even the tiniest shred of happiness in his cold, dark, soul…

So we talk about Star Wars and Josh briefly mentions his obsession with Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Brodway masterpiece Hamilton.

All Star Team Up

The VTAN Podcast’s unscheduled and uncomfortably long hiatus has finally come to an end! We’re back, bitches!

This episode was released simultaneously on The whyCarly Podcast feed in an effort to get some of that sweet crossover traffic.

It worked for Flash and Arrow, right?

Today we open Christmas gifts, we get a Hollywood insider scoop on some of the movies Kyle’s been working on and we speculate on how good Josh would be at giving handjobs.

My guess?

REAL GOOD!

Did You Say “Fecal Position”?


Kyle is outta town for two months working with Bill Paxton on a big Hollywood movie. Now Josh is stuck taking Kyle’s girlfriend shoe shopping in his absence. How is that fair? At least he has his burgeoning Periscope addiction to keep him happy…

On Today’s VTAN the lads get on Skype to talk a bit about The Martian, season 19 of South Park and which celebrity deaths would be the saddest. (hint: The correct answer is Paul McCartney).

This episode ends with an exciting cliffhanger that will be resolved next Wednesday on The whyCarly Podcast.

Kyle's bummed 'cause he can't tell the difference between Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman.

Kyle’s bummed ’cause he can’t tell the difference between Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman.

 

Flight of the Last Starfight in Paris (whyCarly Crossover)

If you listen to VTAN and for whatever reason aren’t already aware, Kyle and Josh host a second podcast all about the acclaimed Nickelodeon show iCarly. 

Today’s VTAN started off as an episode of whyCarly, but the boys ended up getting way off track and started talking about The Last Starfighter, The Flight of the Navigator, the infamous “butter scene” in Last Tango in Paris and a pornographic prequel to the classic cartoon show, Rugrats.

There was no other option  than to release it here on The VTAN Podcast where such topics are just par for the course.

This special episode of VTAN is the perfect gateway drug into whyCarly because it’ll show you that an appreciation (or even a cursory knowledge) of iCarly isn’t necessary to enjoy a podcast about two grown men watching a kid’s show.

You can subscribe on iTunes or follow on Twitter @whyCarlyPod

FANT-4-STIC

Kyle and Josh and Callie (oh, my!) just came back from a late night screening of Josh Trank’s Fantastic Four.

Listen to our ridiculous rambling as we try, with varying degrees of success, to figure out how to work our new sound mixer.

Do we agree with all the negative reviews?
Could we, ourselves, write a better ending to the movie?
Will we ever figure out how to adjust the sound levels?

Find out on today’s VTAN Podcast!

Kyle stared at his microphone for 2 hours and then just burst into tears

Kyle stared at his microphone for 2 hours and then just burst into tears

SUPER SPOILERS!!!

Comic-Con Roundup!

After a long absence, Josh and Kyle ARE BACK!!!

This time, aside from getting lost in crazy tangents about 50 Shades of Grey, Donald Trump and Family Matters, they’re chattin’ about 3 things.

1) Star Wars Se7en

2) Batman 5 Superman, and

3) Suicide Squad.

Hear all the news from Comic-Con and find out what the VTAN boys are excited about, what they think looks dumb, and what gave Josh the weirdest boner.

NEGElR0dx87XJM_2_b

whyCarly?: An Experiment

For those stalwart few devoted listeners of the VTAN Podcast who are wondering why it’s been so long since we’ve released a new episode, prepare for some exciting news.

We’re not gone. We’ve just been busy preparing our newest endeavor.

On July 1st (that’s Canada Day to the international crowd) we will be launching our new iCarly appreciation podcast whyCarly at whyCarly.Rocks

whyCarly-logo

I’m sure a lot of you are asking yourselves, “Why Carly?” and the answer is simple.

iCarly, a show that ran for 109 episodes (or 107 depending on who you ask) from 2007-2012 is a Nickelodeon show that was aimed at tween girls.

It is also (along with The Simpsons, Battlestar Galactica, Community and Frasier) one of my Top 5 Favourite shows of all time.

Listeners of the podcast will have heard me talk about it before and you almost certainly have heard Kyle make fun of me mercilessly for it.

That’s the point of this new podcast. To show my best friend and co-host Kyle the value of a seemingly innocuous kid’s show and to try to get him to change his mind. To convert him, as it were, into an iCarly fan.

Look for us on iTunes this Canada Day and follow us on twitter @whyCarlyPod

Devil Worship

Today’s VTAN starts and ends with an in depth analysis of the Netflix Original Series Daredevil.

In the middle is a big ol’ Suicide Squad geek out and if you stick around ’til the very end you’ll get a sneak peak of Josh’s upcoming summer single/auto-tune masterpiece “Spoon Sucker”.

[This episode was recorded 15 minutes before we saw Avengers: Age of Ultron]

Revengers 2: Asia Voltron (part II: The ACTUAL Review)

OK folks, I know the last episode barely scratched the surface. We hardly talked about the movie but not so today! Today we get into it. No more foreplay! Today I am a man… or at least a 12 year old girl. Here’s the Bat Mitzvah pics to prove it.

imageThat’s just a picture of some of the shenanigans Callie and I got up to during Kyle’s 40 MINUTE BATHROOM BREAK while we were waiting to get into Avengers : Age of Ultron this past Saturday night.

Listen to our spoiler full review.

 

It’S GOT TONSA SPOILERS!!!

 

Revengers 2: Asia Voltron (Part I)

Kyle, Josh and Callie are back after a long hiatus to talk about The Revengers… eventually.

 

In today’s episode we PRE-view the movie one hour before watching it and discuss our expectations all while getting side tracked with long winded digressions about Furious 7, Arrow, Daredevil and (most randomly) Star Trek Voyager.

Stay tuned for Part II when we actually review the movie after having seen it.

 

1 Non-Troll: The Day of the Dress and the Power Ranger Freakout

Is Josh crazy for hating Gotham to religiously fundamentalist proportions? Would Allison Williams make the best Link in a live action Zelda movie?

I dunno…

All I do know is that the dress is goddamned blue and that power rangers short film sucked so goddamned many balls!

 

 

Also, personal anecdotes re: orthodontia are interesting to NOBODY!

50 Shades of VTAN

Kyle, Callie, Josh and friend of the show Dan Fisher went to the Queensway V.I.P. Theatre to watch the 4:20 SHOWING OF 50 SHADES OF GREY.

The 4:20 show… take from that what you will.

FullSizeRender

Dan is sleeping, perpetuating the stereotype of the post coital drowsy man.

 

 

Josh is STILL a Feminist & Kyle Believes in Miracles

 

Finally the thrilling conclusion to Josh and Kyle’s Miracle Berry adventure.
This time we get an even more cringe inducing idea of what Josh believes “being a Feminist” actually means.

 

Beyoncé said it best… Girls run this mother-!

I’ll Never Be Called a Femi-Nazi, and THAT’S Sexist!

Kyle and Josh attempt to eat some Miracle Berry tablets and let their tongues go on an acid trip.

FullSizeRender_2

“Like Beer Goggles for your tongue” – rejected ad campaign

But before they do they GOTTA talk about Feminism, the Super Bowl, old episodes of The X-Files, The Mighty Ducks of Anaheim and their 2003 Cinderella Stanley Cup run, and of course we take a huge shit on the movie Snowpiercer.

 

All of this eventually became poo...

All of this eventually became poo…

Top 5 Movies of 2014

‘sup?

Here, almost a full month into 2015, Kyle and Josh bring you their top five movies of 2014. Interestingly enough Top Five wasn’t on either of our lists… is that racist?

Who knows?

 

Special Announcement

On February 8th in The Year of Ted Kord, Two Thousand and Thirteen, Jaron Francis and Josh Alferez launched Long Distance Bromance.

lobro1400

The logo was made using MS Paint & Lagavulin 16

It was a podcast about two guys separated by 3000 kilometers, tryin’ to maintain a (relatively) adult, (supposedly) heterosexual relationship and recording their conversations for all the world to hear.

It was a big hit and it was a lot of fun to make. It’s been almost a year since we released what seemed to be our final episode, an interview with Robin Williams recorded last March.

We’ve decided to give ‘er another go.

Check out longdistancebromance.com to get caught up on all our old episodes, and keep your eyes peeled for a new update within the next week or two.

 

Frankencast 2015

An 8 minute intro followed by a cut-and-paste hodgepodge of “deleted scenes” from 3 unreleased episodes.

What better way to start the year?

[Caution: If you love cats, Lord of the Rings, Fiona Apple or Dungeons and Dragons prepare to hear me defend them all while other people shit all over them.]

In all seriousness I must apologize for the lack of updates in recent weeks/months but we should be able to get our shit together from here on out.

Pictured: Guy with shit together...

Pictured: Guy with shit together…

Hobbit 2: Electric Bilbo-loo (Bonus Episode)

In anticipation of The Hobbit 3, we present a blast from the past.
The first ever podcast that Kyle and Josh ever recorded!
A comprehensive review from over a year ago plus Kyle’s inside celebrity gossip about Alison Brie and Colin Hanks straight from the set of No Stranger Than Love

Bored Games 6: Settlers of Catan

It’s that game that everybody seems to think is so good! Settlers of Goddamned Catan!

I Can Sense Your Sarcasm and I F$#king Hate It, L.P. !

So Kyle & Josh attended the open casting call for Big Brother Canada and made a friend standing in line. His name was L.P. and Josh got fed up with his goddamned sarcasm pretty quickly.

Marvel vs DC and Strippers vs Gravity

New podcast means more bullshit from Kyle and Josh.
Today’s topics: strippers, iPhones and comic book heroes.

Ghost DJs and Zombie Lotteries

The thrilling conclusion of last week’s discussion on comic book adaptations, with a bit of math and a ghost story thrown in for good measure.

Mickey Mouse Haunted House and Gotham’s Got Ham!

 

Kyle was gone building haunted houses in the Ontario boonies, but he’s back after almost a month away! Do he and Josh talk about anything interesting? Hell no! Instead Josh tells a story about dressing up as a giant rat for a 1 year old’s birthday and they both discuss how much Fox’s Gotham licks balls.

mickey knife

I swear Officer… I was just tryin’ to cut the cake!

Bored Games #5: Bohnanza

Kyle, Callie and I play the German, bean based, economics simulating, card game Bohnanza.

bohnanza

Something about hoes? I’m too hungry to write jokes.

If you hate your liver take a shot any time somebody says “bean”.

Also Kyle’s brain is tested when Josh asks him the following hypothetical questions?

1) Would you take $10M if it meant you had to transform into a Disney character everytime you ejaculated? SUBQUESTION: Which Disney character would you choose?

2) How would you take advantage of the seemingly worthless superpower of being able to see through your eyelids?

3) Would you blow a wild rhino for a rockin’ Dolph Lundgren body?

4) If you could send your consciousness back in time to inhabit the body of any 80’s superstar, who is broke and washed up by 2014, who would it be?

Which of these two dudes does Kyle secretly want to be?

Which of these two dudes does Kyle secretly want to be?

Rip the Pearl Necklace

I just watched Gotham on Fox.

After an hour on Twitter, discussing everything I liked (and hated) about the premiere with a buncha strangers I decided to come here, stand on my soapbox and rant a bit.

What the fuck, Fox?

Seriously?

The original logline for the show, the basic premise that intrigued me, AND THE WHOLE INTERNET, was: Gotham City before Batman. A police procedural set in the seediest, most corrupt, crime infested city.

The idea was intriguing. “But who would watch a Batman show without Batman?” I heard a ton of people who weren’t hardcore fans of the universe ask.

Smart people. That’s who.

I wanted to see a few good cops trying to go up against a corrupt system, just trying their best when even the highest ranking officials in the city are on the mob’s payroll. I wanted to see characters only tangentially related to Batman because Gotham City itself should’ve been the main character.

I’ll argue that Gotham City is Batman’s true nemesis, more so than any of the Rogue’s Gallery. Gotham killed his parents and Gotham never changes despite all his efforts to clean it up.

Having a dark, gritty series that showcases just how fucked up a place Gotham is would have given us a better appreciation for everything Batman does in his Sisyphean quest for justice.

“But Josh, you foolish asshole,” I hear you screaming. “How do you make that interesting to the average viewer?”.

The same way that DC Comics has been doing it for almost 80 years! Good writing and interesting characters.

They have so much lore to borrow from. They could’ve stolen from the best and it would’ve been completely within their rights. Take a bit from Grant Morrison, a huge chunk of Geoff Johns’ Earth One, add a dash of Scott Snyder for flavour and the makings of an awesome show are apparent right from the start.

Make Thomas and Martha Wayne THE MAIN CHARACTERS.

At least for Season 1. You make Tom an idealistic physician with political aspirations. Everyday when he drives past the Solomon Wayne Court House on his way to work at the Alan Wayne Memorial Hospital he can’t help but feel like the city that his ancestors built is going to hell and he’s doing nothing to stop it. So he runs for mayor hoping to right some wrongs.

Meanwhile Martha Wayne (who in this version was born Martha Arkham) struggles with mental illness. It’s a Gotham urban legend that her father went insane and murdered her mother when she was a girl so the people of Gotham all gossip in hushed tones about how all members of the Arkham family are crazy. Going all the way back to when Jeremiah Arkham built the famed Arkham Asylum for his insane daughter, mental illness is suspected to be heredity in the Arkham bloodline.

Martha’s dependance on Lithium and her dangerous bouts of manic depression are a huge scoop for the gossip magazines and threaten to derail Tom’s mayoral campaign. So she puts on a happy facade and plays the doting wife all the while she’s terrified that her genes have poisoned the mind of her young son who is already displaying sociopathic tendencies that she hides from her husband. She doesn’t want him to see any doctors because if is is diagnosed then she can’t keep living in denial that he’s a normal little boy.

The whole season is about the campaign leading up to election. The mob wants the incumbent Mayor to win and the throughline of the show is a plot to murder Thomas if he wins, but to leave him and his family alone if they can force him to drop out of the race through intimidation, or just steal the election all together.

Jim Gordon, who is still a uniformed cop, is assigned to protection detail. He’s one of many body guards for Thomas and Martha Wayne but most importantly he’s not a boy scout. He’s a bent cop, “on the take”. That’s the way it works in Gotham. He’s not a bad guy, he’s just pragmatic and accepts that he can still do a modicum of good as a member of the police force, but to survive he has to occasionally turn a blind eye on some shady dealings. He spends a lot of time with the family and bonds with Bruce.

Jim and Tom become good friends. They spend a year getting to know each other, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, the audience gets to know him. And Martha.

That way when they’re killed after he wins the election AT THE END OF THE FIRST SEASON we give a shit about it. We’re not just sad because the TV is telling us to be sad and sad music is playing on a close up of a kid with a sad face.

We’ve lost characters we care about.

THEN in the second season Gordon is a detective, he’s personally invested in the case. He DOESN’T WANT to turn a blind eye anymore. He’s gonna solve the murder BY THE BOOK.

This is called character development. Growth.

He’s not just a cookie cutter good guy. He knows that by seeking justice he might even implicate himself, but his guilt just won’t allow him to just let it go.

Now little Bruce’s problems seem to come from the trauma of losing his parents and not inherent mental instability so he continues to go undiagnosed and without the medication and therapy that he needs. His obsession with revenge starts and we see his quest for justice as more of a poor kids delusion and we sympathize with him.

There’s so much potential story and character study here. It’s like ripe fruit begging to be picked and instead we get the exact same origin we’ve seen in film and TV a million times. We get Catwoman witnessing the Wayne’s murder, The Riddler working for GCPD, The Penguin ratting out the mob to Jim Gordon and Poison Ivy namechecked FOR NO FUCKING REASON.

We all love Batman and I guess the guys who created this show thought we’d like the show more if they crammed a whole bunch of nods and references to Batman in THE FIRST GODDAMNED EPISODE.

Remember how much we all LOOOOOOVED it when Anakin Skywalker built Threepio?

What makes Batman so interesting, at least to me, is how ineffectual he is.

He could probably fix the city with his mind and his money, instead he puts on a mask and beats people up. The truth is he creates the villains he fights. If not directly (like Two Face) then by just appealing to the crazies sense of the dramatic. When a psycho criminal sees a guy dressed as a bat, he decides to wear clown make up.

This was my main issue with all the recognizable villains that popped up in the premiere. They shouldn’t exist without Batman.

Last winter Kevin Smith and Paul Dini recorded an episode of one of my favorite podcasts ever: Fatman on Batman. They discussed a dream project of theirs, a TV show (like Smallville), that took place during Bruce Wayne’s youth.

The zeal and pure enthusiasm with which these two dreamers talked about this TV show that would never be, got me really excited. I can’t help but feel that the creative team either heard the show, or the massive fan response on Twitter, and at the last minute scrambled to include as many of those ideas into Gotham as they could.

I was hoping for a more subtle approach.

The show is called Gotham.

Instead they gave us the prequel to Batman Begins: Batman Before.

I’m gonna keep watching because I really want to love this show.

It’s just that so far, there’s seems to be too much Batman in a show that was supposed to be about Gotham City without Batman.

Ultimate Spider-Man is Just Twilight Fanfiction

 

Kyle says he’s “not surprised” that Jennifer Lawrence took a buncha nude selfies. Josh is still crossing his fingers that Meryl Streep’s pics get leaked.

Can you believe there are 19 episodes of this bullshit show?

 

I Don’t Care About Battlestar Galactica

Today Kyle and Josh argue about the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. Also, what does it say about you when Youtube’s “Recommended For You” videos are all a bunch of softcore fetish porn? On top of that Kyle refuses to let Josh talk about Battlestar Galactica… what an asshole.

 

Kitchen Fulla Heroes

 

Ok, so it’s been a while but we’re finally back. There were some technical issues with corrupted audio files and a shitty ass Internet connection and a general lack of motivation to get these episodes up, but that’s all solved now.

This is a bit of Hero Worship. Kyle and I make a list of the Top 30 people we admire, whose autographs we desire. That Rhymes AND YOU KNOW IT RHYMES!

Next week you’ll hear me, Kyle and Dan play Uno. That episode was almost lost forever and the sound isn’t the best, but stay tuned ’cause it’s pretty damned funny.

Bored Games IV: King of Tokyo

 

Today on The VTAN Podcast we give you another edition of Bored Games with our special guest Mr. Dan Fisher.

dan

His beard is good.

We tried to play  Sing King of Tokyo but ended up reminiscing about the 90’s and singing 20 year old songs like a buncha drunken sailors.

This episode is short and sweet because after we finished playing with monsters we got into the greatest most contentious game of UNO the world has ever seen. That will be another episode that we’ll release in the weeks to come.

009

SPOILER ALERT! The cat wins every game

Until then enjoy this watered down version of Pacific Rim with a bunch of dummies.
( I intentionally DIDN’T make a “Pacific Rim Job” joke. We’re way too sophisticated for that here at VTAN)

 

Bored Games #3: Smash Up!

 

 

Kyle, Callie and Josh play Smash Up! and attempt to answer the age old questions:
What kind of vegetable would you most want to bang?
What exactly is a “Steampunk Wizard”?
What’s the gayest thing that Kyle and Josh have ever done?

We even manage to work in casual racism and rape jokes…
Apologies in advance.

smashup box

Dice Roll:

Snakes and Lattes
Red Lipstick Psychology
Shot Through the Heart
Rape Condom
Cat People
Alec Trevelyan
Kyle’s Eyeballs
Harry Potter
Summer of George
Sibling Drive-alry
Traumatic Insemination
Spider-Man uses Bing
Solo Mobile
Bengals
Bangles
3 Penis Wine
Vinegar Strokes
Quatto

Skittlebräu and Chazzwazzers

 

A circle of friends is an ecosystem and, if The Simpsons have taught me anything, you don’t introduce new creatures into an ecosystem.

Today Kyle busts Josh for being a jerk to new people and we read some listener comments.

 

Memory Lane:

Big Brother Season 8
Mission Impossible II episode
The Godfather
L.M. KanSteph Not Stephanie
Kara vs. Guy Movies
Thundercats
Ariana Grande
Sam and Cat
Laverne and Shirley
Dan Schneider
iCarly
Victorious

Witches Be Cray-Zay!

 

Kyle is THE hollywood bigshot!!

Not only did he creep all over Alison “hands-off-jerks-she’s-mine!” Brie that one time, but he also just got back from the set of The Witch, a real Hollywood Movie starring Ralph Ineson and Kate Dickie of breastfeeding Game of Thrones fame!

Listen as he gives us the inside scoop on all the behind the scenes goings on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Verbs, Adjectives and Nouns:

Witchy Woman
Spanish Flea
Blackout
Constantine
Collateral Damage
Cloverfield
Mattawa
Kate Dickie
Ralph Einson
9 1\2 Weeks
Black Flies
S-s-sudio
Chinese Girls Taste Different
Evil Dead
Jane Levy
Sexy Dirty
Zordon is Racist
OPP
Freddy Got Fingered moose carcass
Majora’s Mask
NKOTB
Rat Tail
Stone of Destiny
Amazing Spider-Man 2
Ultimate Warrior
Draft Day
Catherine Reitman

 

Betcha Forgot: Musi-bation

 

Kyle wants to talk about music… Josh keeps trying to steer the conversation towards “jackin’ off”.

An epic struggle.

Apologies for the inconsistent audio quality. The middle third sounds better than anything we’ve recorded, but the beginning and end sound like we’re in a cave… underwater.

Memory Lane:

Beat the Geeks
Rock & Roll Jeopardy
1D
Burgess Meredith
Taylor Dane
Blackstreet
Pitch Perfect No Diggity
MAGIC! – Rude
Ashley MacIsaac
Great Big Sea
Informer
Joy in Small Places
Legal
Lady Marmalade
Dirrty
Memoirs of an Invisible Man
Scrambled porn
GOB
I Hear You Calling
Sam Roberts
Bedouin Soundclash
OLP
Dean Blundell
Sault Ste Marie
Joy Drop
Trebler Charger
Jonovision
Sum 41
Smirnoff Ice
Staind
Joan Osbourne
On a Day Like Today
Dishwalla
David Copperfield
The Fugees
Josie and the Pussycats
KIDS
Butt Selfies
Degrassi
Six Flags Ads
S Club Party
Agent Cody Banks 2
Sex and the City
Girls
Shiri Appleby
Pirates
Backroom Casting Couch
Beautiful Agony

Eat the Giant Cock

20140616-213020-77420391.jpg

I watch a lot of television. Well, to be fair, I use my laptop to watch a lot of TV shows.

I bought every season of It’s Always Sunny on iTunes.

I watched all of The League on Netflix.

Recently I illegally downloaded The Americans which is something I never do.

I like to pay for my entertainment. I know many people who work in the entertainment industry and it makes me feel guilty to steal movies and TV shows.

I felt so guilty about stealing from Keri Russell that I turned off the computer and started watching some actual TV.

I feel like subjecting myself to watching the commercials is my way of paying my way.

Rogers is currently offering a free preview of FXX and I caught an episode of The League on TV for the first time.

Right before it started the gravelly voiced announcer warned us about the content and finished by saying “Viewer Discretion Advised”.

I stopped to think about that warning.

What the fuck does it mean?

Based on the definition above that warning makes no fucking sense.

What they SHOULD say is Content Creator’s discretion is tempered by advertiser’s openmindedness or lack thereof.

My understanding of television standards maybe be incomplete and I’m probably talking out of my ass BUT I PAID FOR THIS URL. I OWN THIS PEICE OF INTERNET REAL ESTATE AND I’LL USE IT TO GET UP ON A SOAPBOX AND MAKE WILD, UNINFORMED, PROCLAMATIONS!!!

Cable networks like AMC and FX operate outside of the control of the FCC. They use that freedom to let Ruxin call Taco a “shit sipper”, to let Dennis and Mac call Dee’s boyfriend “retarded” and to let me see Keri Russell’s bare ass and some Russian broad’s “underboob”.

They have freedom to say the swears that delight me so.

But they ask for MY discretion?

My understanding is that they can drop F-Bombs and show some real tits and dicks but the reason they don’t go full Showtime and HBO is because they think advertisers will pull out if the show is to risqué.

Dis some bullshit!

Remember that episode of Breaking Bad?

I.F.T?

Skylar White’s last line in that episode is “I Fucked Ted” and it’s so goddamed impactful.

I watched that episode on Netflix.

No censorship.

I can’t IMAGINE watching on TV and having an ADR with poor syncing, change the line to something lame like “hump” or “screw” or even worse a god dammed fucking BLEEP.

We need more dirt on TV.

The characters need to talk like real people.

I want to see GIANT COCKS on NBC.

I want to see an episode of Friends With Better Lives where some lady tells her fella that she won’t blow him until he gets rid of his bush.

I wanna see that episode!

James Van Der Beek needs to get his balls waxed.

That show would break all kinds of records!!!

He gets some tiny Asian lady to wax his taint.

AND WE SEE IT!

They show it all.

In motherfucking HD, yo!

They show her spreading that wax on Dawson’s browneye and YANKING IT OFF!

I wanna hear him shout as she pulls off that first strip.

He lets out a loud, “MOTHERFUCKER!!!”.

That’s my vision for the future of broadcasting.

The FCC is just a bunch of fucking buzzkills.

They should all go suck a giant cock…

and fucking finally let me see Keri Goddammed Russell’s tits for once.

Jesus!

Spank the L’il Monkey

Recently I’ve become more candid with what I choose to discuss with friends and strangers.

I literally don’t give a fuck!

If you think any topic is “off limits” I don’t want to talk to you.

When I sit down with a group of people I’ll flat out ask what kind of porn (if any) you like to jack off to.

I recently engaged in a THREE HOUR recording session with Kyle.

With careful editing we can maybe turn it into an episode of Betcha Forgot and maybe just a random VTAN Podcast about deflowering young ladies back in our highschool days.

More than likely the majority of our conversation will be lost in my personal archives and never released to the public.

It bothers me because while I have no problem discussing sex very frankly, I don’t want to drag other people into uncomfortable territory.

Since I can’t make a podcast without someone else to talk to, I guess it’ll have to be an ol’ fashioned blog post.

No fancy audio.

So, why title the entry with a euphemism for masturbating?

I’m currently in a period of self imposed celibacy.

For those of you who know me, I don’t have to tell you how I was drownin’ in da pussy for all of 2012-2013.

I look back and remember it like a montage in a sex comedy.

I’m fucking crazy. It’s not an exaggeration to say that I’m fucked up on the head.

I’m not fit to be dated by anyone.

I should be nobody’s partner.

Add to that, I take medication that supposedly makes me less crazy. It also negatively affects my libido.

When I started my “Year Without Poon” back in December I thought it would be hard (pun intended).

Recently I’ve discovered that I have lost all interest in women.

I know that sounds like I’m “comin’ out”, but I assure you, my heterosexuality is locked firmly in place. I can’t help it, I was born this way.

I just don’t want to date anyone.

Over the last few months I’ve discovered that I’m not even interested in jackin’ off.

I have almost zero sexual desire.

I’m interested in learning about the masturbatory habits of other’s just because I want to compare them to my own. You always want to see if you’re “normal” based on the standards of others.

So if I walk up to you , or even just message you online and ask “How often do you masturbate? Do you use porn? What kind?”

Don’t be alarmed. More people should be open about it.

It’s not the type of thing to be ashamed of.

Stay tuned.

Depending on how the audio is edited you may or may not hear more about me and Kyle and our sick and deviant behaviour.

We’ll see.

Betcha Forgot 6: Vidja Gayums

 

Kyle is back and even though he’s just itching to tell us stories from being on the set of a real Hollywood movie, NDA issues have put the kibosh on that… for now.

Instead, we bring you another edition of Betcha Forgot. Kyle, being the idea guy that he is has convinced me to include a list of links to the stuff we discuss.

Check it out below.

Memory Lane:

Bubsy
Road Rash
TMNT
Edge of Tomorrow
Army Men
Columns
Blur
Uniracers
Stunt Racer FX
Virtua Fighter
Dreamcast
Jet Grind Radio
XIII
Secret of Evermore
Chrono Trigger
Final Fantasy
Super Metroid
Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
Super Mario World
Mario Kart
Goldeneye 64
Onimusha
Jean Reno in Onimusha 3
Everything or Nothing documentary
Everything or Nothing game
Bloodstone
Mass Effect
Lego Batman 2
Heavy Rain
Game of Thrones Character Names
Lucky and Wild
Simpsons Arcade Game
Lethal Enforcers
Zool
Ignition Factor
Adventures of Lo Lo
Bad Dudes
Cool Spot
Yo! Noid
Fido Dido
Time Crisis
Streets of Rage
Sega Master System
WWF Wrestlemania
WWF Wrestlemania Challenge
Nintendo Wrestling
M.U.S.C.L.E.
Nega Ninja
Blades of Steel
Hit the Ice
NFL Blitz
NFL Hitz
Kid Chameleon

 

Blackout! pt 2: The Fall of BlockBuster & The Rise of Josh

We get real in this episode. It was never meant to come out so we spoke more candidly than normal. You’ll hear LOTS of bleeps to hide names of people or other possibly incriminating details and lots of interruptions midsentence because huge sections have been cut out.

 

So if you’re a devoted listener you probably heard Kyle, Callie and I sitting at The Duke of York for our weekly trivia night when the lights went out. The blackout last April affected a pretty substantial part of the west end of Toronto.

The subway wasn’t even working so I couldn’t get home.

I take prescription medication for anxiety and my intense, irrational, fear that the power will never come back made me take more than I should have. You’ll notice I talk super fast and you can tell by how I talk that I’m riding an intense high.

Kyle and Callie, (heretofore to be known as Kylie) being proud “Eastenders” where pretty sure their building would have power.

In Part 1 of The Blackout we walked to Kylie’s and the episode ended right before we got into one of our famous 6 hour conversations since I figured nobody would want to hear it.

I managed to chop it into just under an hour of interesting conversation.

In this episode I try to convince Kyle to watch One Direction: This is Us on Blu-Ray and since he vehemently refuses we end up talking about the poor business decisions that caused BlockBuster Video to go out of business, my rampant alcoholism, the possibility of having a child and being a good parent and all the reasons why, after taking a crazy ride on the pussy train and having a revolving door of meaningless sexual relationships, I don’t want to date

ever again.

The intro song is Gold Rush by Ed Sheeran.
Buy his album.

Eat the Powdered Donut

I’m a big fan of the incongruous, non sequitur, style of humour. The kind of stuff that most people would label (a bit inaccurately) as “random jokes”.

The reason I hate when people say my humour is random is the same reason I hate when people lean on the word “incredibly”.

It just makes people seem like they’re speaking lazily. Not choosing their words carefully.

Nothing I do, particularly when it comes to trying to make other people laugh, is random. I choose my words hoping to deliver the maximum comedic punch.

So when I’m sitting with friends watching a movie where a bunch of people are eating big fat, deliciously disgusting burritos I’ll say something like, “Damn… you know what I feel like eating all of a sudden?”

Invariably people will answer “burritos” or “Mexican food?” but instead I’ll shake my head and hit ’em with “Nah, man! Remember when Space Jam came out and they made all those Michael Jordan and Looney Toons gummy candies… THAT’S what I’m craving right now!”

It’s the completely disjointed unrelatability of it that makes me, and hopefully other people, laugh, but again, it certainly isn’t random.

I think to myself “what is SO far outta left field, that it’ll throw these fuckers off their game?”

Right now, I’ve made something of a performance art piece of myself.

I’ve transmuted myself into a horrifying tableau of the obscure and seemingly random.

I’m sitting alone, in a 24 hour Tim Horton’s wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs baseball cap, an Achievement Hunter hoodie, tattered jeans and a pair of weatherbeaten Crocs. I’m eating a medium sized bag of peanut butter M&M’s, a boxed Spinach Salad with almonds and mandarin orange slices and a small plastic bag of red shell pistachios while simultaneously drinking a medium frozen lemonade, a piping hot extra large black coffee and a poorly disguised blue “riot punch” in an Aquafina water bottle.

I’m listening to a 7 year old episode of SModcast and reading an old dog-eared copy of Forever by Judy Blume.

It is the funniest joke I’ve ever seen.

And it’s probably only funny to one goddammed person in the world.

I just ordered myself a powdered donut.

I’m gonna eat it, finish up this last chapter, leave the book on my chair, and head home

The Legend of VTAN: A Link to the ‘Cast (part 1)

Literally no one, except for me, has been excited for this episode to come out, but it’s finally here and I’m giddy with girlish glee.

 

Kyle and I decided one lazy Sunday afternoon to play Zelda III from start to finish.

Since he’s gonna be gone for another 3 weeks I re-purposed this recording, which I had never intended on releasing, and turned it into a new edition of the VTAN Podcast.

Once Kyle returns we can go back to having real  episodes.

Commit the Mass Genocide

Ok.

For those of you who doubt the extent of my craziness. For all you out there who overestimate my sanity.

Allow me to give you a glimpse into the inner workings of my sick, diseased mind.

This morning… I had a runaway train of thought. An uninterrupted stream of consciousness that ends with a crash landing into a valley of self loathing.

This morning I thought to myself… “I might be the next Hitler!”

How did I come to this realization?

You’ll have to imagine me as Richard Attenborough in a white safari outfit and straw hat, crouching down to whisper in your ear, “I’ll show you” as a beautiful John Williams score melds itself with the majestic braying of a genetically engineered Brachiosaurus.

This morning I woke up smiling and thinking to myself, “Goddamn, do I LOVE Batman!”

It’s not uncommon for me to think this, or something like it, first thing in the morning but today I did something a little different.

I got up, still smiling, and sidled up to my bookshelf to survey my collection of Batman books.

While purusing Snyder & Capullo’s amazing run on New 52 Batman, I looked at the inside of the cover page and saw the “Batman created by Bob Kane” credit.

I noticed the original publication date of 1938.

I chuckled to myself when I thought idly, “They had Batman during World War II.”

This is where things turn ugly.

In my head, I CANNOT FATHOM the idea that someone doesn’t love Batman.

Anyone I meet who says “Yeah, I’m not a fan,” or even worse “I like Superman better,” is immediately added to my enemies list. I feel like they’re liars. Contrarians who like to disagree with conventional wisdom in an attempt to seem interesting and different.

So OF COURSE, I think to myself “Hitler was probably a Batman fan.”

Now I start to panic.

If you’ve had a 5 minute conversation with me, or worse, if I met you at a party and you didn’t know why you were, seemingly for no reason, the target of my scorn and derision, then you know that I passionately hold fast to the belief that “It’s WHAT YOU LIKE, not what you ARE LIKE that matters.”

I’ve made friends with terrible human beings because they understood that Ron Moore’s Battlestar Galactica WAS NOT science fiction but rather an exploratory drama about the human condition.

So I started thinking. If Hitler loved Batman… would I be his friend?

To my everlasting shame, I couldn’t help but tell myself, that if he in addition to loving Batman also hated Superman and people who prefer Clark over Bruce then…yes

… probably.

This is where I start to hyperventilate and start with the hardcore whiskey cravings.

I’m just like Hitler.

But you love the Jews,” I tell myself reassuringly.

Then I start thinking… I’ve dated a girl or twelve in my time on this earth and I’ve never discriminated.

Italian, Portuguese, Good Ol’ Fashioned White Canadian, Asian, South East Asian, Middle Eastern and of course a Jew or two.

Does it count as anti-semitism if I treated my Jewish girlfriends poorly?

What else, besides an all consuming love of Batman, do I share with ol’ Addie… Jesus Christ I’m already giving FUCKING HITLER a diminutive pet name!

Fuck that guy!

What a fucking asshole!

And now here I am… I’m as bad as Hitler…

I’m just the goddamned fucking worst!

As if I needed more reasons to hate myself…

Make the Minimal Effort

Sane people, I’m told, regularly have cravings for certain foods.

Most of the time when I experience that feeling most aptly described as “craving” it’s for experiences. Sometimes I’ll restlessly get out of bed because I crave a late night walk through deserted streets. Other times I can’t sleep because of an addition-like “jonesing” to watch Gremlins or Jurassic Park.

Today I have this itch… this craving to make a blog post.

I don’t even have anything interesting to write about.

OK, let’s see, let’s see. What can I write about today?

I got nothin’ .

 

 

 

That was wildly unsatisfying.

 

BLACKOUT! (Kill the Lights)

A few weeks ago there was a pretty big blackout that affected some parts of downtown Toronto. I was at The Duke of York for Tuesday Night Pub Stumpers Trivia so I took out my iTelephone and began recording the shenanigans.

 

On this special edition Kyle, Callie and I are joined by two of our trivia team members, Eric and Rowena, as we navigate a dark pub and the apocalyptic streets of T.O.

Find out what happens when we Kill The Lights

Kyle will be gone for the next 6 weeks and so in order to pass time I’ve been listening to recordings of his voice to fill the empty void in my soul. It only worries me when I start trying to have a conversation with these recordings.

To stop myself from becoming the kind of crazy person who talks to himself, I’m gonna try to actually get some use out of the recordings we never intended to release to the public.

Also, we’re finally  on the iTunes click here to subscribe and while you’re there downloading our podcast FOR FREE, buy some of David Usher’s songs. He’s my number one favourite recording artist of all time and it’s always good to support Canadian Arts.

Footnotes:

Kill the Lights (Accoustic Ver.)
Duke of York
Toronto to Barrie
Wentworth Miller comes out
CHUD
Skittle Bräu
Magic: The Gathering
Joe Flaherty
Jim Flaherty Dies
Rock Death Hoax
Ultimate Warrior Dies
John Pinette Dies
Mickey Rooney Dies
Canada Gun Ownership
Our friend Brian’s Uncle Fred
Kill the Lights

Betcha Forgot 5

 

Kyle and Josh start an impromptu forgot-athon only to be interrupted, partway through, by Callie’s insistence on bringing up current events like some kind of… responsible adult.

Like the man child he is, Josh ignores her attempts at “real conversation” and he and Kyle take another one of their strolls down memory lane.

Bet YOU forgot about:

Miko Hughes
Police Academy
Starship Troopers: Roughnecks
Lost in Space
Lacey Chabert
Not Another Teen Movie
Who’s Karl?
Perfect Score ScarJo Panties
Troma Films
Carob Bars
Twitches
Cosby
Sitcoms Missing Siblings
Fresh Prince 4th Wall
Robocop Cartoon
Beetlejuice Cartoon
Biker Mice From Mars
Sailor Moon
Digimon
Denver the Last Dinosaur
Widget
Beverly Hills Teens
Dudley the Dragon
Dutch Ruder
Tickle Me Elmo
Wrestling Buddies
Stretch Armstrong

You’re Tearing Me Apart, Lisa!

I’ve seen a lot of movies in my day. Most have been good, some have been bad, but never did I dream of watching a movie so transcendentally bad that, like Alexander, I wept because “there were no more worlds to conquer”

Of course the movie I’m describing is Tommy Wiseau’s 2003 masterpiece The Room.

the-room

OH, HAI!

After being told by almost everyone how great this movie is, I finally sat down and watched it with my friends Kyle and Callie. This movie is 11 years old. You could say I’m a little late to the party.

Here’s our special commentary track for you to enjoy.